[ it's lonely at the top ]

Someone asked me if I was happy. My initial answer should've been yes, and yet I just stared and I didn't know what to say. This made me realize how miserable I felt, how everything was completely wrong. Ten years ago, this is not how I envisioned myself to be and yet here I am. Do you ever get that sudden epiphany that you have nothing to live for? Well I just did, and it is not a place you would want to be in. I have so much hate for life.

Then he asked me, "remember when you were a kid and everything was possible?". I had to stop and think. I kept thinking but nothing came to mind. That's when I realized I have no childhood. Being an only child, I was alone. I grew to like it being the spoiled little brat I was. I was so sheltered I wasn't allowed to play with other kids, I can't get dirty, I can't even watch TV. It was a sad and lonely childhood, and I remember sneaking out to be able to taste the bitter sweet freedom the kid in me was craving. This was always briefly followed by spanking and scolding I received from my parents as I was disobeying their rules. Looking back, I came to thinking that these were the times I learned to lie, to keep myself safe from beatings and to avoid getting caught. I started to do everything possible to get approval from my parents that until now after almost 22 years of existence, I have not gotten.

I can't say I was raised wrong. I'm a perfectly healthy 22 year old with so much to look forward to in life, as others would think. But right now, all I could think of is I'm just the fruition of my big failure of upbringing myself. Do I make sense? I didn't think so.

That's when it hit me; I am trying so damn hard for my parents to like my "home self" but at the same time I'm trying so damn hard to not be like them on the outside. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, I guess I just don't like them for what kind of people they are. I would love to have what they have accomplished, but I would hate myself for having the same mindset and the same attitude towards family and other people. Fine, I do owe everything to do them as they brought me into this world and nothing could amount to that. Nevertheless, I don't think I should be living my life on their idea how I should live my life. I AM FUCKING MISERABLE. I have no friends, I hate my job, and I hate my life.

I have no friends.
My dad's idea of having friends is not having friends at all. He doesn't believe in keeping relationships because he believes in dwelling in the past. He always told me: "wala kang mapapala sa pakikisama sa ibang tao" (you're never gonna get anything from keeping interpersonal relationships); he always told me that friends won't do you any good. With this, I am not allowed to go out, I have to lie in order to watch a movie, or even just hang out. On my days off, I am required to stay at home, period. Not only I am not allowed to have friends over, but at the same time I am too scared that if I do, my parents will see who I really am; they already don't like me enough for who I'm showing them I am, how are they gonna like me for my true self? So I push people away. Not that I have a choice, but in every occasion, my only answer is: no, my parents won't allow me. And they may not admit it, but it's the truth. People laugh at me, they mock me, and it hurts. I'm having a hard time dealing with growing up right now, that it's doubly hard without having someone to deal it with. They always claim I always fall for peer pressure - all I want is to have fun. In fact, I don't really know how to have fun. I never experienced fun to begin with - before I do or I can, I have to erase that idea on my mind because my head has been embedded with ideas that "I am not allowed to have fun because this is something my parents won't approve of and they will be raising hell if they found out". Enjoying life is a nonexistent part of my own. I don't have anyone to enjoy it with. Like when I was a little kid, I have no one but myself.

I hate my job.
I really really really do hate it. My parents know it, and my coworkers know it. Everyone I know knows it. But I have to stick with it because my parents said so. I stick with it also because this is the only way I can get out. I dread going to work, but what I dread the most is when it's time to go. Eversince I was a little girl, I was too scared to go home; it always felt like I did something terrible again and I'm gonna get punished for it. EVERY SINGLE DAY, WITHOUT FAIL. It's my only outlet from getting away from home, and even if I hate it, I'd stick with it rather than being at home and feeling like a big disappointment every single minute that passes by.

My parents will kill me if they read this, but deep inside me I hope they do. And I truly hope they will understand. I know everything you're doing is so I'm better than everyone else and that you love me. I do understand, but I have to learn life's lessons on my own. I have to make my own mistakes so I can learn from them. I have to make my own decisions so I could deal with the consequences. You have to let me go. You have to let me enjoy and have fun. You have to learn not to think of what other people might think of me but instead accept me for the person I am. I have been a good kid, and you taught me well. But I am sad to the point that I wanted to kill myself not only once, but a lot of times. I even drew about them. You don't know because you never stopped and asked. I don't want to feel pain anymore, and I'm tired of crying myself to sleep almost every night.

Ma and Pa, I do love you and I hope you can forgive me. But I do hate my life and I hate who I am. I am jealous of other people. I am jealous of Ate Roginne and how Ate V and Papa Rudy treats her. I am jealous of Harvey and how Tita Irene and Tito Dongsky loves him despite of who he is. I am jealous of Lorraine who her mom thinks she's the prettiest girl in the world. I am jealous of everyone, you just have no idea. And to tell you the truth, no one wants to be me.

[ the secret wish list ]

Like any other girl, I absolutely love shopping - there is nothing like Retail Therapy! However, Christmas shopping never fail to abhor me. I live literally a few blocks from West Edmonton Mall and I am a living witness to bumper to bumper traffic, overflow parking lots, and a big but very congested people-infested mall! It should bring me great comfort that I am not the only last minute shopper out there (I have not bought a single present), but this is just getting ridiculous. Don't get me wrong, Boxing Day is my favorite holiday - there is no way my boss could make me work that day - but the shopping experience this holiday brings is not exactly something I would want to experience for a whole dire month.

One of the things I like to do to avoid both the mall and road traffic congestion is to browse the internet first. Before anyone can say "thank god for technology!", I have to cut you off because it is an absolute waste of time. Not only that the items tend to not be what you expected, the prices are ridiculously high.

I am a student who obviously do not have the budget of a millionaire. I like to keep things simple, and quite frankly I still believe in the saying "it's the thought that counts". Since I had a hard time looking for things that fit my budget, I have made my own wish list for items under $20.

Bath & Body Works' Black Amethyst Triple Moisture Body Cream - $12
They smell deliciously good, and make my hands so soft to the touch.

Body Shop's Born Lippy lip balm - $5
This does not only smell delish, it tastes good too. Pucker up!

 

Assorted key caps from Urban Outfitters - $8 each
They are so adorable, and somehow it makes my keys so much easier to find in my purse.

10" Laptop Sleeve from ebay.com for my Lenovo Ideapad - $8.20 + $2 shipping
It's just soooo damn cute. It brings me back to my childhood days where all my things literally came from the Sanrio store.
(We were actually one of their best customers that my parents can practically leave me in the store while they go shopping)



Oscar Blandi Pronto Invisible Dry Volumnizing Shampoo Spray at Sephora - $11 for 1.4oz
I have ultra thick locks and I use this for the hectic days I don't have 45 minutes to dry my hair. It works wonders.



Urban Outfitters' Dirty Language (Chinese) book - $10
available in Japanese, French, Italian, etc.
I love languages, and I particularly would like to learn Mandarin. This should be a good start! 



Pandora's fabric string bracelet and Breast Cancer leather bracelet - $15 each
I absolutely adore bracelets and Pandora's charms are very pretty. I really would love one. I think it's a good memory maker.



Victoria's Secret's Ruffle Balconet Bra - on sale for $19.99 (from $34.50)
Add sexayyyy to Christmas is all I can say ;)



Sephora's Color Wand for lips - $10
One word: practical. Six lip glosses in one; seriously, what more would a girl need? I particularly like the 02 Siren wand (medium pink, nudes, and berries).



Urban Outfitters' Tattoo Etched ID case - $14
It's just perfect for business cards. Very classy indeed.



I CAN'T BELIEVE I STILL DO NOT HAVE A SNUGGIE! Oh, and I would also like a Ten Minute Trainer on DVD. I could go on, but I guess you already get the drift.

Until next time. TATA! <3

[ all I want for Christmas is a prayer ]

Not that I am expecting a gift (although that will be nice!), but I would just like to ask for a few minutes of your time to pray for my cousin in the Philippines.

The doctors found a cyst in her leg a few months after I learned that I have a cyst in my ovaries. Unfortunately, she was not able to get the medical attention she needed as I did because she was pregnant at the time. She just gave birth to my adorable godson a few months ago, and that’s when we learned that her condition is worse than what the doctors originally thought. After numerous tests, and going to multiple doctors for different opinions, they all came to the same conclusion: not only that her leg is to be amputated, she also has cancer. The doctors are still doing tests on how bad her condition is, but we have been told that it is definitely malignant, has already reached her bones and has spread all over her body. Our health care back home is not as good as our health care here and Chemotherapy is Php 90,000 (roughly $2000 CAD) per week.

She is only a year older than me, and an only child herself; she was more than a cousin to me, she was my sister. And I would very much appreciate your prayers.

As Mercedes said in Glee: “We're from different denominations and religions so we figured one of us is bound to be right”.

Thank you, and I wish you all a very Merry Christmas!