Someone asked me if I was happy. My initial answer should've been yes, and yet I just stared and I didn't know what to say. This made me realize how miserable I felt, how everything was completely wrong. Ten years ago, this is not how I envisioned myself to be and yet here I am. Do you ever get that sudden epiphany that you have nothing to live for? Well I just did, and it is not a place you would want to be in. I have so much hate for life.
Then he asked me, "remember when you were a kid and everything was possible?". I had to stop and think. I kept thinking but nothing came to mind. That's when I realized I have no childhood. Being an only child, I was alone. I grew to like it being the spoiled little brat I was. I was so sheltered I wasn't allowed to play with other kids, I can't get dirty, I can't even watch TV. It was a sad and lonely childhood, and I remember sneaking out to be able to taste the bitter sweet freedom the kid in me was craving. This was always briefly followed by spanking and scolding I received from my parents as I was disobeying their rules. Looking back, I came to thinking that these were the times I learned to lie, to keep myself safe from beatings and to avoid getting caught. I started to do everything possible to get approval from my parents that until now after almost 22 years of existence, I have not gotten.
I can't say I was raised wrong. I'm a perfectly healthy 22 year old with so much to look forward to in life, as others would think. But right now, all I could think of is I'm just the fruition of my big failure of upbringing myself. Do I make sense? I didn't think so.
That's when it hit me; I am trying so damn hard for my parents to like my "home self" but at the same time I'm trying so damn hard to not be like them on the outside. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, I guess I just don't like them for what kind of people they are. I would love to have what they have accomplished, but I would hate myself for having the same mindset and the same attitude towards family and other people. Fine, I do owe everything to do them as they brought me into this world and nothing could amount to that. Nevertheless, I don't think I should be living my life on their idea how I should live my life. I AM FUCKING MISERABLE. I have no friends, I hate my job, and I hate my life.
I have no friends.
My dad's idea of having friends is not having friends at all. He doesn't believe in keeping relationships because he believes in dwelling in the past. He always told me: "wala kang mapapala sa pakikisama sa ibang tao" (you're never gonna get anything from keeping interpersonal relationships); he always told me that friends won't do you any good. With this, I am not allowed to go out, I have to lie in order to watch a movie, or even just hang out. On my days off, I am required to stay at home, period. Not only I am not allowed to have friends over, but at the same time I am too scared that if I do, my parents will see who I really am; they already don't like me enough for who I'm showing them I am, how are they gonna like me for my true self? So I push people away. Not that I have a choice, but in every occasion, my only answer is: no, my parents won't allow me. And they may not admit it, but it's the truth. People laugh at me, they mock me, and it hurts. I'm having a hard time dealing with growing up right now, that it's doubly hard without having someone to deal it with. They always claim I always fall for peer pressure - all I want is to have fun. In fact, I don't really know how to have fun. I never experienced fun to begin with - before I do or I can, I have to erase that idea on my mind because my head has been embedded with ideas that "I am not allowed to have fun because this is something my parents won't approve of and they will be raising hell if they found out". Enjoying life is a nonexistent part of my own. I don't have anyone to enjoy it with. Like when I was a little kid, I have no one but myself.
I hate my job.
I really really really do hate it. My parents know it, and my coworkers know it. Everyone I know knows it. But I have to stick with it because my parents said so. I stick with it also because this is the only way I can get out. I dread going to work, but what I dread the most is when it's time to go. Eversince I was a little girl, I was too scared to go home; it always felt like I did something terrible again and I'm gonna get punished for it. EVERY SINGLE DAY, WITHOUT FAIL. It's my only outlet from getting away from home, and even if I hate it, I'd stick with it rather than being at home and feeling like a big disappointment every single minute that passes by.
My parents will kill me if they read this, but deep inside me I hope they do. And I truly hope they will understand. I know everything you're doing is so I'm better than everyone else and that you love me. I do understand, but I have to learn life's lessons on my own. I have to make my own mistakes so I can learn from them. I have to make my own decisions so I could deal with the consequences. You have to let me go. You have to let me enjoy and have fun. You have to learn not to think of what other people might think of me but instead accept me for the person I am. I have been a good kid, and you taught me well. But I am sad to the point that I wanted to kill myself not only once, but a lot of times. I even drew about them. You don't know because you never stopped and asked. I don't want to feel pain anymore, and I'm tired of crying myself to sleep almost every night.
Ma and Pa, I do love you and I hope you can forgive me. But I do hate my life and I hate who I am. I am jealous of other people. I am jealous of Ate Roginne and how Ate V and Papa Rudy treats her. I am jealous of Harvey and how Tita Irene and Tito Dongsky loves him despite of who he is. I am jealous of Lorraine who her mom thinks she's the prettiest girl in the world. I am jealous of everyone, you just have no idea. And to tell you the truth, no one wants to be me.
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